Finding some Peace

The last few days have been emotional.

Ok, it IS that time of the month, but that's not the only reason. There's been drama in the family. My life used to be FILLED to the brim with drama. I dumped that crap and have spent a good deal of energy healing and finding balance. When the crap comes back in I am sensitive to it's effects on me.

My midwifery community lost a friend yesterday. She was young (my age :). I went to high school with her, where we were both in the dance community, but we weren't close friends. In the midwifery community you don't have to be close friends to have a bond. The passion for the job is enough to bring you together with a deep caring. The fact that this woman died of a stroke, leaving a loving family motherless is heart wrenching to me.

I have friends in Haiti right now. Reading their stories fills me with sorrow and joy. The people of Haiti are joyful and gracious, but they are suffering beyond anything I can even imagine. I am nervous about going, yet I know I need to go and try to make a difference, to help just a little.

So after a good talk with a friend today, (who seems to always be available to me and willing to listen...thanks!) I feel much better and gained a great deal of perspective. I left the conversation filled with hope. I am working towards love to those who have offended. I am feeling strong about who I am and my family structure and our choices. I will tell myself every day that I can have love towards the people who hurt me, because I know they are hurting, too. And I KNOW this is NOT about me.

On the drive to a home visit I was enjoying the drive, enjoying the scenery and feeling good. I thought about my own midwife and how much she meant to me. I enjoyed our relationship and she holds a special place of honor in my heart and in our family. It made me appreciate my job so much! What a unique honor it is to be invited into the sacred bubble of birthing at home. Each family teaches me, touches me and I love them for the gifts they give me. And I felt joy at believing that some of them will think of me fourteen years from now and still remember that most amazing day of their baby's birth, and that I was a part of it. It's not about me! But I'm so glad I was there.

I'm going to Haiti!

I've heard back from Midwives for Haiti and they have schedule me to be there from June 12-19th. When I received the email confirmation I was terrified. But this is what I want and know that I will be prepared by the time I leave. I am fortunate that several of my friends and colleagues are going before me. I will be able to glean so much information from them. I also have the benefit of time to plan, prepare and raise the funds.

I do not want to travel alone. There are several other midwives who are also trying to leave in June, so my prayer is that we will be able to travel together. I will be relying on much prayer and faith as I prepare for this trip. I humbly ask that you will not only pray for the people of Haiti, but that my travels will be for a good purpose and I will be able to raise the funds and supplies needed for them.

CASA

I've been feeling a little lost lately. Too much time on my hands and feeling the need to do something important. Raising my children has been my most important job. I've held that position for almost 23 years, and have about 5 years to go until "retirement". I say that in jest, because those of us who are parents know that the job never ends. But the every day responsibilities do decline. I'm not needed much around here anymore.

After months of consideration I decided to take the plunge and train to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) in Clackamas County. The training will take me about three months (about 40 hours of training) to finish. I will be sworn in by a judge and then anxiously receive my first case. Unfortunately there are many children waiting for a CASA.

I'm almost half way through my training to be a CASA volunteer. Through this training I have learned quite a bit about the court system, DHS, and how these systems works. But I feel like I have so much more to learn. Part of our training is to attend at least four hours of court proceedings. I have not done this yet and feel like when I do I will gain a better perspective of the role that a CASA plays not only in court, but in the role of advocate for the child.

This training is intense and forces you to look at what you know, where you came from and to identify your biases. Everyone has biases. In this job you can not ignore that and have to confront what your biases are.

One of the things I have learned about is MSL. This is an acronym for Minimum Sufficient Level. This is the lowest possible standard that a child can live within and still be safe and cared for. This standard is NO WHERE NEAR how you or I live. It is sad.

But the thing that I really understand now? Children want to live with their parents. They will choose living with their parents in a car over living in a nice house with strangers, even if that nice house is warm and filled with good food and lots of toys. The goal is to remove the danger from the child. If the state can not accomplish this, then they must remove the child from the danger. This is traumatic to the child and begins a cycle of grief. The average length of time the child stays in the system before being returned home or finding a permanent living situation is 18 months! That is a long time for a child. Yet in the court system this is considered speedy.

The other thing I understand better? Most parents who have had their children removed LOVE their children as much as I love my children, and they want their children back home. They just have to overcome some insurmountable obstacles to accomplish that. The good news? This is what the state and the courts desire; to reunite families.

Challenging? I'd say so. Some days I think I'm crazy for pursuing this non paying job. But no doubt I'm learning and growing and hope to make a difference.

Mt. Hood Weekend

We went to our favorite cabin in the woods again this year. It's so nice to get away and relax. We watched movies by the fire, melted in the hot tub and ate some good food. That's about it.

Lots of little details in the bed and breakfast. The owners even took the time to make me gluten free scones that were amazing!

This was for fun...

The perfect size treat....except you're not supposed to eat two of them!

The day we left we made the mistake of taking a look at a house that was for sale down the street from the cabin we stayed in. We even called the realtor to look inside because the house was adorable, the property was beautiful, the price was amazing and it sat right on the Sandy river. This is the view from the front of the house. I fell in love and am now cursing myself for stopping there.

I've had this inner dialogue since we drove away.

1.
Manifest it with all your heart,
believe it will happen
and make it happen.

2.
There is no way we could ever manage to swing it.



It can't really work when both thoughts are competing for power.
But if you're interested in joining forces and buying a piece of property on Mt. Hood we are entertaining the idea of a partnership in order to do so.
All reasonable offers will be considered. ;)

As a woman lives, so shall she birth.

One of my new favorite blogs is The Gift of Giving Life. It is an LDS woman who writes about birth. Hmmm...I wonder why it's one of my favorites. I love finding LDS women who think and feel the same way I do. I often feel like an anomaly within my religious community, like I'm different and don't belong. So to find like minded women who can thoughtfully express some of the things that I feel is refreshing.

In her last blog post she quoted this "As a woman lives, so shall she birth". And followed that by an exercise she participated in during a yoga retreat she is on. The exercise follows:

First, we had to think of the most difficult thing we have gone through in our life, and then think of how we dealt with it.
Then we had to pair off and share.
We each talked for a couple of minutes. It was good.
There were some tears. I'm amazed at what the woman across from me had been through.
And i think we all realized that what we did then was similar to how we got through or will get through birth.

This got me thinking. It is important to look at the difficult times in our life and then look at how we dealt with it. We have all experienced hard times. And we have survived. I don't know about you, but I feel pretty powerful when I think of myself surviving some of the hard times. I am a strong woman who has done some amazing things. Birthing four children was pretty powerful. Raising them...even more so! Looking inside of ourselves and finding our strength, our courage, our successes helps us to continue on this journey and keep surviving our failures, our pain and the inevitable difficult times.

February 1st

Today is an anniversary. Not a happy one, but one that I will always remember. Two years ago I attended the birth of a baby who died. The anniversary of that time is difficult for me. The difficulty isn't necessarily on that date for a moment. I notice a pattern of thoughts creeping in and consuming me over time. I begin to feel sad, overwhelmed, guilty. I replay the events over and over again. It feels like I'm punishing myself, that somehow this punishment is a requirement.

Today I am lighting a candle for this little girl. The one whose lips touched mine as I tried so hard to breath life into her. The one who changed the life of the few who knew her. I am trying to stay positive today as I look at the light. She came into this life and left it for a reason. And I had a role to play in that.

As much as I want to blame myself I know in my soul that God had a plan, and He is more powerful than I am. I will trust in His plan.