Feeling Sad

I do love my job, but there are times when the sacrifice just seems too much, that the job shouldn't come first, before things that are very important. I am sitting at home, missing my mother in law's funeral, because I have one more client due. I am missing the opportunity to support my husband and commune with his family. I am feeling guilty because I think I made the wrong choice.

But the choices I had were not good. I could not drive to Utah with Mario and the boys and be gone for one week. But to fly at the last minute to be there for only one or two days was expensive. Add to that the cost of paying someone else to be on call for me and possibly pay them even more money to be at the birth.

Well, I'm just feeling sorry for myself at this point.

Here are some of my favorite pictures of my dear mother in law that were taken at our wedding a little over two years ago.

I think this is such a beautiful picture of Angelita. I love her smile. I love all of her wrinkles, showing the years she has lived and loved.

One of the things that I love so much about Mario, is the deep love he has for his sweet mother. I don't know if I've met a man who had more love and respect for his mom.

She was almost 94 years old and still dancing!

I do remember the first time I met this fine lady. It was a long time before I was dating Mario. It was probably about 10 years ago. My family would spend the week of spring break at a boy scout camp at the coast with our friends the Knowles and Spravzoff's. The kids would often bring friends and this year Chial came. Mario and his mom came down to spend the day with us. I remember her sweet disposition. I remember her sitting in a chair outside our cabin, enjoying the ocean view.

When Mario and I were dating and it time for me to formally meet his family we planned a trip to Utah. I was also on call at that time! But these two mama's went way overdue and I made the decision that I couldn't cancel my trip and I went anyway. I had a lovely weekend and came home to two still pregnant mama's.

Before going to meet his family I was a little nervous about the language barrier. I asked Mario if his mother spoke any english. He said she spoke a little. That was an exaggeration! She spoke as much english as I did spanish. But from that experience I learned how much you can communicate with someone without understanding the words being spoken. I felt of her love for her family, her love and acceptance of me and her sweet spirit. Each time we have visited I have loved my time with her. Last year when we brought Savannah and Emilia with us she was just as sweet and loving to them. We all love her so.

She left this earth on Saturday, October 17th around 7am. She left peacefully to be with her husband and children waiting for her in Heaven. We find comfort in knowing that she is in the arms of the Lord and we will see her again someday.


Update:
After writing this post I had a good cry, my stomach was turning and my heart was hurting and I realized I really had made the wrong decision. I found another midwife to cover me for 24 hours, called my client and booked my flight. I am on my way to Utah. It was the right thing to do. I pray that my client won't go into labor, but if she does, it's ok. She doesn't really need me anyway. And it's just money. It doesn't mean anything. The important thing is that my wonderful husband needs me and I am going to be there. Now, I feel so much better.

My Job in Pictures

I don't have many pictures of myself while working at a birth. At one of the births I attended this week the grandma took some great pictures and there were many of me. I thought it would be fun to share a little glimpe into the home birth experience.


When we arrive to a birth one of the first things we do it set up the equipment. Here is my birth bag and oxygen tank. I use a cutting board to put a heating pad on with layers of baby blankets, baby hats and the newborn stethoscope. The cutting board serves as a warm and firm surface if we need to perform CPR on a baby. I also cover a cookie sheet with a disposable pad and place all of the things I need handy for the actual moment of birth. Most of them we don't use, but they are close by if needed. This tray allows us to move it from room to room and be ready wherever the mom wants to birth. On the tray are gloves, herbs, medications for bleeding, mirror, flashlight, instuments (umbilical scissors and clamps), and guaze.



We listen to fetal heart tones with a doppler about every 30 minutes during active labor. Here I am listening while mom is on her hands and knees and dad is giving support.



Awww, the magical part of birth. This baby was born with her cord around her neck and wrapped around her body. I needed to somersault her in the water to get it loose enough to unwind. At one point she was upside down and it was funny looking. This is just as I am helping mom lift the baby out of the water. I don't always lift the baby to the mom, but in this situation I did because of the cord. It's nice when mom and dad can be the ones to touch their baby first.


After the birth we are monitoring the mom and baby, and most of that monitoring is done just like this. Sitting or standing around and watching. I want the parents to have as much undisturbed time as possible. Mom will let us know when she's ready to get out of the tub or if she feels the placenta is coming.


A couple of hours after the birth we do a newborn examination. He we are measuring the baby.


Weighing the baby on our scale. (A client's husband made this sling for my scale and I love it. I also have a blue one,)

This baby was struggling with her respirations, so we were monitoring her frequently after the birth. We always want to make sure things are improving and act quickly if they are not. She is doing well now!

Just Say NO to Chips

I learned something today. If you go to your favorite neighborhood Mexican restaurant, and just say no to the complimentary chips and salsa they bring you immediately, and then wait patiently for the meal that you ordered, that meal tastes delicious! And you enjoy eating it. And you may even eat the entire meal without feeling sick.