In Memory

Yesterday marked the third anniversary of a baby's birth that truly changed my life. She died 8 days later due to complications at her birth. I have spent the last three years processing my grief, guilt, sadness and remorse. There have been times that were extremely difficult and painful. Part of my process was going through a depression unlike any other I've experienced. Another process was a lot of self blame.

Recently, with the help of a good friend and midwife, I was able to process this experience in a way that I had not been able to before. I was afraid to move through the deep feelings I had. But my friend offered. I knew I was ready. I did it. My friend gave me the time and space of love and safety along with the skill to help me move through. I am immensely grateful to her for this gift. 

As the months have passed I have been aware of the release I have had of the negative feelings and self talk. There are times when I still think of this precious child and her death. I feel it in my gut and it hurts. But I am able to think less and let go easier.

As the day approached that would have been her third birthday I thought of her several times. But yesterday, as the sun shone so bright and I drove through the countryside to visit another precious child so newly born,  my thoughts did not once turn to her. I only remembered when I got a sweet message of love from another who remembered this day. I was grateful for the reminder. I was even more grateful that I had forgotten. I know this may sound strange, but after punishing myself with negative thoughts for three years, it was so refreshing to not remember, and then to remember. To light a candle of remembrance and to know that life does go on.